


The Time The Enterprise Crew Played Strip Poker (And All Hell Broke Loose)

by AfroGohan



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bad Flirting, But it's fun!., Crack Treated Seriously, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Fluff and Crack, Humor, It's basically out of character who am i kidding, M/M, Pre-Slash, Strip Poker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 17:36:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17288432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfroGohan/pseuds/AfroGohan
Summary: Some of the crew's most familiar faces are stuck aboard the Enterprise while the rest of the crew has their shore leave. Mistakes are made.(This is exactly what you'd expect from a Strip Poker fic.)





	The Time The Enterprise Crew Played Strip Poker (And All Hell Broke Loose)

Pavel found himself unequivocally and insufferably bored on this night (day?) in particular. Alpha shift ended an hour prior to this self-conclusion. He wasn’t keen to go to bed either, having exhausted his options at current time. They were supposed to be docked for shore leave, but errors in shuttle transport and a few scrapes from the Enterprise’s last scuffle left the senior staff among a few other crew members staying aboard to maintain repairs and manage any impromptu emergencies.

Which meant he was among the few people left kicking around on the ship.

 _‘Ёкарный бабай! Being young, handsome_ **_and_ ** _smart is no fun at all._ ’ The Ensign thought to himself, running through another set of practice calculations to ease his cabin fever. He’d already exhausted the holonet for joke videos and conspiracy theories, this was all he was left to. These equations were practically begging the Russian prodigy to solve them.

“Боже мой… I am beginning to feel like Mister Spock…” The teen shook his head, before moving to substitute the next variable in the problem.

**_KNOCK KNOCK!_ **

“Mister Chekov!” Shouted the familiar voice. The Ensign jumped from his bed like a man possessed, scrambling to the door. He keyed in a few numbers and let the door do the rest, sliding open to reveal the Captain.

“Da?” He was met with a grin from the older man. It was a little worrying.

“Well, I was thinking about what you said earlier, about being stuck up here while everyone else is on the surface. I don't want my crew feeling lonely, so I was thinking we could go and have some fun.” Chekov raised a suspicious eyebrow, aware of what rumours entailed to be Captain Kirk’s definition of ‘fun’. Jim then laughed, as if sensing this.

“Not--- Not like that, Chekov. You're far too young for me.” The boy flushed, feeling chastised. “And to be honest you're not exactly my type. You’d have better luck with Sulu--”

“He is married sir.”

“Oh, my bad. Well, anyway. I took the liberty of organizing a poker game in Rec Room Three. We've got Bones, Uhura, Sulu, and a few other Ensigns. The Commander probably isn't gonna be there, something about it being ‘illogical’ and ‘an egregious misuse of free time’.”

“Vell, it probably is. But I can’t say I’m not compelled.” He chirped, before getting a hearty slap on the back for his troubles.

“Splendid! And off the record,” The Captain then leaned forward, lowering his voice. “if a few bottles of beer happen to turn up, well, I don't know anything about it.”

“Duly noted!” Oh, this was so exciting. Despite being very legal to drink at his age in Russia, quite a few fuddy-duddies on the ship were not too keen to pass him the bottle. It was annoying, considering that he could drink them all under the table.

“But, sir… I do not know how to play Poker.”

 

Let it be known that Pavel Andreievich Chekov was a lying liar who lied.

 

“--You see, my fellow crew members do not let me play the game vith them, zhey say it is bad for a boy my age to gamble.”

“Come on, we'll teach you. It's something every budding young man has to know how to play. It's like a Rite of Passage.” Hook line and sinker! The older man fell for the sympathy routine and damned himself and the others to one hell of a surprise later. He couldn’t _wait_ to see the look on their faces, he would crush them.

“Okay zhen! May I change first? I am still in my sleep clothes.” In Pavel’s opinion, his pajamas were extremely tasteful. But it seemed to be the contrary as he spotted Kirk trying (and failing) to hold back his laughter.

Correction, he was going to crush **him**.

* * *

 

The young Ensign was greeted with a chorus of hellos as he entered the Rec Room, to which he responded in good spirits. Jim looked up from the table with that jovial manner of his, beckoning the teen to come over.

“Right on time! Grab a seat, Chekov.” He did as told, plopping down next to Sulu. The Helmsman gave him a quick high five of greeting, before looking out to the rest of the crowd at the table.

“Does everyone know how to play?” For the sake of his lie, Chekov shook his head and listened patiently to the ensuing rundown of the rules. When Hikaru finished the brief, informative explanation of how to play, Bones prepared to deal the cards. That was of course, when their Captain decided to interject.

“Before everyone gets their respective asses handed to them, let’s say we make this interesting.”

“Define interesting.” McCoy said in that tone of voice that suggested he was about to disagree with whatever the man was suggesting. The Captain’s only response was to grin, to which they all came to a unanimous decision.

“I don’t like that look.” Uhura voiced it, unable to resist.

“Say, Bones… Remember that game we had in the Gamma Quadrant?”

Chekov swore he could’ve heard a pin drop in the ensuing silence.

“You’re not serious.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it.” Jim then smirked, continuing in a flirty tone. “You have such lovely legs, Doctor. Lush cosmetics _wishes_ they could get their hands on those gams.”

“In your sleep, Jim. In. Your. Sleep.”

“O-kay then.” Sulu, god bless his soul, interrupted the possible murder that was about to take place. “Before we get too far off subject, I’m guessing Strip Poker is on the table?”

“Bingo, Lieutenant.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. There's no way I'm going to be stripping in front of all of you.” Nyota snorted, folding her arms. Ensigns Darwin and Johnston ‘booed’ at this, corralling a laugh from the Communications officer.

“What’s wrong, no faith in your Poker skills?”

“That’s awfully big talk for someone who’s shit at Poker.” Jim made a face at the doctor’s jibe, leaning back in his chair.

“Shut up and deal the cards, old man.”

“It’s your funeral, _kid_.” Before Bones could even think to deal the deck Uhura was holding her hand up to command their attention. You could mark everyone in the room down as scared or charmed by that sheer display of power. Tonight was the night for picking poisons.

“There's no way _I'm_ doing this sober. So I propose that we should be able to opt to either take a shot or remove an article of clothing, but you can only take a shot three times. By then we’ll be sufficiently drunk enough not to care.”

“All in favor of Miss Uhura’s suggestion?”

Not a single person disagreed.

 

* * *

 

[2 GALACTIC STANDARD HOURS LATER…]

 

Jim threw down the cards, banging his hand on the table.

 

“Damn!”

 

“You know the rules Jimbo, pants off.” The Doctor chuckled. Jim stood up and unbuckled his jeans, having already removed his top. The blonde did a clumsy little dance as he shucked the pants off, leaving him all the way down to his underthings. Nyota looked away, snorting.

“Wow.” Is all Sulu could really say, save for the wolf whistle he let out as the Captain stripped down. Chekov gave him a high five for that, sitting content and relatively dressed. By now it was down to the 5 of them, the other crew members having run off in half-dressed shame.

“You’re not wery good at this, Keptin.”

“What are you talkin' about Chekov, that dance was amazing. I learned it from a stripper back in the uh… Rigel system, I think.”

“Best damn stripper I ever saw.” Jim raised a glass to that, clinking with Bones’ before knocking back another drink.

“Your dance skills are up to debate, but your poker skills aren't.”

“Hey, that’s no way to talk to an expert.” Jim frowned, sitting back down.

“Expert? Keptin, you are zhe only one in zhe room who is down to his undergarments.”

The Captain muttered to himself, looking more like a scolded child than one of Starfleet’s best and brightest.

“Not my fault you wore extra clothing…”

“Face it Kirk, your poker skills just aren't up to par.” Uhura shot, an easy grin on her features.

“Whoa whoa whoa, what’s with the potshots?! I’m down to my briefs here, have a little mercy.”

“Vell, is not my fault you weren’t smart enough to layer up.” The teen kicked his feet up on the nearest chair, a cheshire grin on his sweet face. And just like that, all eyes are on Pavel.

“You played us all…” Uhura stared open mouthed at the teen, completely baffled. He was a sweet kid, completely harmless!

Kirk however, had a different idea entirely.

“You little shit! You knew what you were doing!”

“And, vhat about it?”

“That’s it, we’re starting another round. New goal, team; Get Chekov out of those clothes.” Uhura snorted into her drink, murmuring an amused ‘that isn’t suggestive at all’.

“You can try, but I varn you Keptin, you’re all going to get dunked on.”

“Dunked o-- My god, you really are a kid.” Leonard was completely exasperated at this point, much too old and drunk for any of this. Jim leaned over to study the cards in his hand, batted away by the doctor to no avail.

“You really can’t deal for shit, can you?”

“Fuck off.”

“Love you too, Bones.”

The cards were then distributed to the remaining lot of them, chips hoarded by the competitive adults (and teen prodigy) for the inevitable move that would risk it all. Pavel shed all pretense of the innocent young man he played for kicks, completely in his comfort zone. In Russia, you play the game, or the game plays you. Tensions were high among the officers, friend and foe alike in the face of poker invoked nudity.

Jim moved all of his chips to the center, features schooled into a neutral expression.

“I’m all in.”

“Are you sure about zhat?” The teen questioned, lips stretched into a wicked smile.

“Yeah, c’mon. Let’s see what you’ve got. All of you”

Uhura put her cards down with a sigh. “It’s nothing fancy.”

Bones put his own cards down, muttering ‘fuck it’, while Sulu tossed all caution to the wind and laid it all out with what little fighting chance he had against his friend. The 3 of them looked between Kirk and Chekov, all on edge.

As expected, Jim played his hand:

A full house.

“Hey, finally.” Nyota said, not before looking sympathetically at Pavel. He was completely crestfallen, the cards slack in his hands.

“Are you okay, Pav?” Sulu asked, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. The boy looked up from his cards, nodding.

“Da, I am fine.”

“You put up a good fight, Chekov.” The Captain smiled good naturedly, putting his hand over the Ensign’s own.

“Is true, I gave it my all.” He removed his hand from under Jim’s, taking a moment for himself.

Pavel slammed his hand onto the table for all to see, grinning.

“Royal straight flush. Wictory is mine!”

Jim stood sharply, chair clattering to the floor behind him. James T. Kirk, the number one believer in no win scenarios, entered this scenario…

And lost, to a kid.

“Take it alllll off, Keptin.”

Kirk looked at what was left of his dignity, and then at the rest of his crew. They looked back expectantly.

“You know the rules, sir.”

“Oh I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? Hm? You all want me to get naked so I'll have to run through the halls back to my quarters with one hand covering my package? Because how embarrassing would that be, am I right?” He waved his arms around drunkenly, voice raised.

Hikaru, Leonard, Nyota, and Pavel looked among themselves, considering the question.

“Yeah.” The 4 agreed in unison.

Kirk breathed deeply, hands raised in defeat.

“Okay. Okay.”

He leapt over the table, narrowly avoiding a seat in McCoy’s lap. Before anyone could comprehend what Jim was doing, he was out the door and cackling with a discarded pile of clothes in his arms. **Their** clothes to be specific.

The group chased after him, each covering one exposed extremity or the other

(Except for Chekov, because foresight was 1701/1701).

What happened in the next few minutes varies from source to source, but one fact remains objective on this starry night.

Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise got to the intercom when he shouldn’t have.

“This is your Captain speaking;” What was left of the Enterprise crew froze, it didn’t matter what they were doing.

“AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!” The starship Captain took off sprinting after that, leaving his pursuers in the dust. Above the sound of bare feet hitting the floors, one could hear a string of curses from each runner in a number of languages.

“Looks like I win this time!” Jim cackled, rounding the corner without looking.

“Oof!” He went flying smack dab into one of the crew, unaware of who it was or what was happening until he was sitting pretty on the only Vulcan on the ship.

“Captain, what is the meaning of this?” Jim blinked drunkenly, taking a few minutes to process what just occurred.

“Hey to you too, Spock.” He booped the man on the nose, breaking into a fit of giggles.

“I take it you engaged in the same dubious behavior I advised against earlier.” More a statement than a question. Jim giggled again.

“I will take that as an affirmative.” Spock did not sigh, as it was not a Vulcan thing to do. Instead he rose from the ground, leaving the inebriated man to slide to the floor and climb up of his own volition. Right as the man made his way back to his feet, his other accomplices arrived with all the data Spock needed to come to the conclusion that he was surrounded by a number of illogical beings.

“When I get my hands on him I’m gonna--!” Leonard almost froze at the sight of the ship’s first officer evaluating them all, visibly displeased.

“Ah, Doctor. Perhaps you can explain as to why the Captain broadcast a signal not only across the ship, but on an open channel.” With that knowledge in mind, Uhura ran as if her career depended on it to rectify the drunken mishap. “- In addition to all of your lack of clothing.”

“Spooooock, why aren’t you naked?” Whined Jim.

“It is not my preference, sir.”

McCoy scratched the back of his head, unsure of how to articulate this in a way that would avoid the inevitable shitstorm wrought by this nonsense.

“Strip poker and drinks gone wrong. Jim got sore about losing and ran off with our clothes.”

“Nice undies, Bones. Those the ones I got you last holiday? I figured an old guy like you would appreciate the satin-silk blend.” He doubled over laughing, met with an angered growl from the ship’s doctor. McCoy had half a mind to knock the kid’s head off, if not for the imposing Vulcan standing between them.

“It seems I am forced to take this matter into my own hands.”

“I bet you’d like to take _this_ into your hands.” Jim gave an exaggerated wink, only to be met with Spock’s indifference.

“Ouch. Tough crowd-- Whoa whoa whoa!” The First Officer hoisted Jim over his shoulder, making the inebriated male drop the pile of clothes in surprise.“Wha, no! Put me down, Spock.”

“I believe you will benefit immensely from a night’s sleep.”

“Oooh, "sleep". I mean if you wanted it to be like this all you hadda do was ask, Spock.” He was slurring his words now, the lights around them shifting and twisting in intensity.

“I want for nothing but the ship’s high ranking officers to uphold a respectable image on and off duty.” By this time the others had successfully redressed themselves. “I expect more professional behavior from you all in the future. Utilize the recreation rooms productively and I will not feel compelled to document this incident.” With that, he turned on his heel and navigated the corridors with Jim in tow.

“Y-You’re, gettin soft on me. Big softieeeee.” The blonde tried to wiggle his way out of the Vulcan’s grip to no avail. “You’d have cited us all for disorderly conduct back in the old days.”

“One year ago. You have a tendency to overreach.”

“Wha changed, huh? Y’ getting weird on me? Are things different between us?” His voice dropped to a stage whisper. “Is it my hair?”

“Our relationship has not changed, Jim.”

“Relationship, huh? So you do wanna sleep with me? That what we’re doin? Cause I am alllll game.”

“I would never take advantage of you in this state.”

“Waitwaitwaitwait. You tellin' me tha if I wasn't, you'd totally be all over this?”

How crude.

“If that is your interpretation, I cannot sway you from it.”

“... You want my man meat?”

“Pardon?”

“Y’know my… Throbbing python of love.”

“I do not see the relevance of reptiles in this conversation.”

“All aboard the power drill express, choo choo.” Kirk mimed pulling a whistle.

“These are all rudimentary euphemisms for your penis.” Spock concluded, closer to exasperation than Surak’s teachings would allow.

“I prefer to call it my Pole of Penile Power.” For the seeming hundredth time that night, Jim burst into laughter. “Just came up with that one on the spot.”

The Vulcan First Officer said nothing to that, carrying the man over the threshold of his quarters. His companion gasped, leaving the Vulcan to compound the worry that exited as quickly as it had come.

“S-Spock!”

“What is it, Captain?”

“You didn’t even take me to dinner first! You’re carrying me over the threshold like your-- your newly wedded husband! Yo-You sick pervert I'M ONLY THIRTY-TWO!”

“The age difference between us is not significant, as I am thirty-five.”

“Eh…”

“It is for the benefit of yourself and this ship that you rest, Jim.” He moved to turn out the lights in the room, stopped by Jim’s fingers around his arm. Despite the urge to pull away violently, he merely maneuvered himself around the Captain’s grip, thankful that fabric separated them.

“Spock. Spockspockspockspock.”

“Yes?”

“C’mere.” He sat beside the drunken man.

“Closer, Commander.” James leaned up, clarity across his features. His eyes meet Spock’s for that single, fleeting moment as his voice drops to a low whisper.

“I wanna see your giggle stick.”

Now Spock was frowning, long displeased by this foolish display.

“You are much too fixated on genitals.”

“There’s a true statement right there.”

“I assume you always act this way when intoxicated.”

“Maaaaaybe.”

“By that logic, you should not be drinking. This is very childish and risky behavior. As Captain you are held to a standard above what is expected of you as a--”

“Starfleet officer, yeah I know.”

“If you are aware, then why must you treat this as a game?”

“You’re not a game to me, Spock.”

“I have trouble assuming otherwise.”

“Nooo, honest. I think yours are the prettiest in the fleet.”

“Genitals do not adhere to beauty standards.”

“But Spock, if anyone could make genitals pretty, it’d be you.”

“Noted. Now if you are finished, I believe it is time for you to rest. I will be informing Doctor McCoy to withhold all hyposprays containing what you humans call ‘hangover cures’ the following morning. Consider it a consequence of your carelessness.”

“Aw man, is this how you treat a girl? Take her to bed and then leave her? I'm offended, Mister.”

“I apologize if I have misgendered you in any way.”

“No-- Spock. Jesus, you’re rough. It’s uh… Hyperbole. Situational stuff. M’ still the same person. Jus’ all turned around right now.”

“I see.” He stood from the bed. “I advise once more that you rest at once, you have had an eventful evening, t’hyla.”

“Mm… Night Spock…” Jim yawned, turning onto his side. The First Officer approached the door, stopping for a moment.

“Captain.”

“Yeah?”

“There are many things of beauty and awe in the universe. Genitals are not of those wonders, as I trust you are aware. Art, literature, discovery of the unknown. Even your eyes. All things one could call ‘pretty’.”

“Mmhm…”

“Goodnight, Jim.”

“Night Spock… “

* * *

 

[THE NEXT MORNING]

 

James T. Kirk was many things. A good Captain, smart man, a complete charmer if the situation called for it. He was NOT however, good at shaking off a hangover. He took his walk of shame earlier than usual, sunglasses propped against his nose. The blonde deliberated briefly on whether or not he should replicate a cup of coffee to get him up and running for Alpha Shift.

“Greetings, Captain.” Jim winced, spotting the Vulcan at the nearest table.

“There’s no need to yell.” He said, even though Spock was speaking softly.

“You are still recovering.”

“Mmhm.” He drops into the seat across from Spock, burying his head in his arms.

“What do you recall from the previous night?”

“I was just about to ask. What the hell happened?” Jim peaked out from his arms as the glass of water was placed in front of him. He made a face. “Ugh, is this necessary?”

“Drink it.” Not wanting to argue with that face, Jim took a sip.

“So, what happened?”

“To be perfectly candid, you engaged in a game of Strip Poker with Lieutenants Sulu and Uhura, Ensign Chekov and the Doctor.”

“Oh. Bones and I do that sometimes. Usually don't feel like this after, god... Well, I mean. There was that one time, that's a whole other story.”

“Is there anything you remember?”

“You were there? But you weren't naked, so you weren't playing.” Jim then groaned, realizing the gravity of what he’d done. “Oh, Bones is gonna kill me. Can’t believe I did that.”

“What else do you recall?”

“Something about man-meat and you carrying me into my room. Were we playing house or something? Something about BDSM and…” His eyes widen a fraction. “What did we do? I mean, I’m not sore.”

“It would be illogical for us to engage in coitus while you are unable to consent. If you are implying that I took advantage of you in your inebriated state, you are incorrect.”

“Wasn't worried about you taking advantage of me. Was worried about me taking advantage of your virtue.” He shrugged. “I’m a weird drunk, I’ve heard.”

“That did not happen. Your worries are unfounded.”

“That’s an awful clinical way to say you didn’t sleep with me. But I appreciate the honesty.”

“I am gratified by this. But I am required to ask if that is all you recall.”

“Well, it’s a blur. But I’ve got the basic picture of what drunk me got up to. I do seem to remember you saying something about my eyes being pretty.”

“Correct. I noted that your eyes are aesthetically pleasing as opposed to the appearance of your genitals, an arbitrary concept to attach value to.” If Jim wasn’t choking on his water before, he was now.

“Gee, thanks Spock. Way to give a guy a heart attack.”

“It seems you’ve been in the company of Doctor McCoy recently. You both have an affinity for hyperbole.”

“Call it an old flame. It’s unimportant.” He said with a wave of his hand. “What other amazing compliments did you bestow upon me last night?”

“That is all. I simply brought you to rest.”

“I’ll take your word for it. There is one thing I remember though, something about tequila? Teeheela, Teihila? Something like that.”

“T'hy'la is the correct pronunciation.”

“Why were you speaking Vulcan at me?”

“It was one word. It has multiple meanings in my language.”

“Alright then, let me rephrase. Why did you use it with me?”

“It was a lapse of judgement on my part. I was, comfortable.”

“Oh?”

“In Vulcan culture, there is a term of endearment. There is no English equivalent, as it is all encompassing of the person and their relationship to the speaker.”

“Give me a layman’s rundown, if you please.” He could’ve sworn he saw Spock’s features contort for a brief moment. Whatever he may or may not have seen was reigned back in by the Vulcan.

“It means you are of great importance.”

“Rank, then?”

“No. It is personal.”

Translation: Intimate.

“I’m important to you.” He says as a statement, locking eyes with Spock.

“Yes.” Is the response, firm and honest.

Jim leaned over the table.

“In that case... I think your eyes are pretty too, Spock.” He smiled wide, sitting back down.

“Thank you, Captain.”

 

If his First Officer looked a little flushed, Jim didn’t say a word about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao this is literally a roleplay my friend I did verbatim. All I did was change a few lines to avoid some of the weird tropes in AOS fics bc gender roles don't matter in the 23rd century \o/
> 
> I DID try to give everyone a decent amount of dialogue. I feel like a lot of AOS fics (Ones I've written included) tend to get lost in the sauce fleshing out the main pairing so they give side characters like Hikaru and Nyota some relatively generic lines. I apologize if that's what happened here x_x but let it be known that I tried so hard (and got so far)


End file.
